Tag: Sobriety

Flashback

I was watching a documentary today about the artist Jelly Roll. In one part, they show him going into a rehab facility to speak. The second he walks into the room, it was like an instant flashback for me.

The chairs at the edges of a blank room so everyone is sitting facing each other. The wide variety of faces. Male and female. Young and old. People that look like the stereotypical type that would be there and people you’d never in a million years expect to find there.

I suddenly remembered that feeling of nervousness and dread when I walked into rehab for the first time. (I did a few months of intense outpatient rehab almost 10 years ago and have been clean and sober ever since.)

I scoped out the room and the people in it and was stunned when a person working there handed me a cup that was obviously for a urine sample. I remember looking at the cup, then looking up at the lady running the group and just simply saying, “Really?”

I kind of chuckle now when I think of the look she had on her face when she let out a , “Yup” as about as matter of fact as you could possibly be. They pointed me to the bathroom and I took my first piss test out of who-the-hell-knows how many! (I must say, after peeing in that cup, five days a week for a few weeks, I got really good at it and was oddly proud of myself for my new found talent! LOL!)

That first time listening to all of the introductions was nerve wracking because I knew it would eventually be my turn. I don’t think I heard much of what people were saying that first day but I remember being aware of how easily it came out of most people’s mouths. You could tell they’d gone through this routine a million times. “My name is so and so. I’m recovering from XYZ and I’ve been clean/sober for X days”

When my turn came, I could feel myself blush instantly and I could hear my heart pounding in my head. I only had about 4 days clean and sober so when I stated that, I let out a little, sarcastic , “Woo Hoo”, and waved my hands in the air in a mock celebration.

We would all laugh about that moment in the future. It became kind of a running joke actually, but I felt so fucking stupid in that moment! It’s a feeling that I’ll never forget.

That first day may have been uncomfortable as hell but the camaraderie built quickly, and when I found out I was pregnant a week later, they were the first ones I told. They were actually the only ones who knew for several weeks.

I’ll never forget the looks on a few of their faces as I confessed what a mind fuck it was, knowing that I had come THIS close to ending my own life about 2 weeks prior, but now I’m going to be bringing a brand new life into the world. There was so much weight on my shoulders and in my soul and the looks of concern from these people are etched into my mind to this day.

Here I am, clean and sober, 9 1/2 years later, but some things just instantly take me back to those moments that I believe will always be etched in my mind and in my heart. They are a reminder of where I started and an inspirational glimpse of how far I’ve come. I don’t flash back to that day all that often anymore, but when I do, it reminds me to stay humble and it always makes me proud of myself for how much I’ve accomplished since then.

Gone But Not Forgotten

My Dad passed away two months ago. It still doesn’t feel real. There’s not a day that goes by that I don’t think of him but the day he died still feels like a bad dream. I’ve tried to be really mindful of my grieving process and dealing with the loss in a healthy way…and through it all, there are two important realities of my life that I feel have been magnified during this process.

I am clean and sober and I’m finding it harder to stay that way. I’m also an autism mom, helping her special need son grieve the loss of his grandfather.

The urge to drink hasn’t been a strong one but it hits me quite often. It’s definitely been a lot more than I’ve experienced in recent years. I’m thankful for the fact that these cravings aren’t the super strong ones that cause me severe anxiety. It’s more of a nagging feeling that just follows you around just letting you know it’s constantly there!

I’m also thankful that the thoughts that I need to deter myself come pretty automatic at this point. But I still have days that for just a few seconds, I entertain the thought of just letting myself have a drink or two, one more time.

I know that this will eventually pass and I’m just trying to take it one day at a time. Trying to get through the grieving without a relapse. Trying not to let myself down.

Helping my son deal with his feelings has also been a challenge. Helping any kid through this process is challenging, let alone a child who has autism. It’s hard to get inside of his head to figure out to what extent that he’s affected.

I’m not sure what to do in some cases. Should I bring it up so he can relate his feelings or will it stress him out more if he can’t really articulate his feelings? He wants to know specifics about why grandpa died and he finds it hard to understand that it wasn’t just one thing. The fact that there were many contributing factors is a concept that is hard for him to grasp….and hard for me to explain.

I try my best to explain things the best that I can and in a way that he will be able to understand, but it can definitely be stressful for me. Feeling emotional about the topic and then having to find the right words to tell my son when sometimes, I’d much rather shut down inside.

I never would have thought that losing my dad would somehow magnify the autism part of my life, but it definitely does. I also never would have thought that I’d be doing as well as I am with the sobriety part of my life, but I definitely am. There’s no way to predict how a person will be affected by loss but I’m honestly proud of myself and how I’ve gone through it so far. I know there isn’t one right way to grieve but there are definitely bad ways to do it and I’m definitely not doing it bad!

How to stay sober

It’s been over 7 years now since I quit drinking. I slipped once right away in the first week or two, but besides that, I’ve made it through all this time without relapsing. The statistics say that the chance of relapse is high. People often relapse more than once before they get sober for good. I was only in treatment for about 2 months. Didn’t go to meetings. Never got a sponsor or worked the 12 step program. To be honest, I have no clue what the steps even are!

But somehow, I’ve made it this far. People are often amazed by this and they often ask how I did it. My situation landed in a way where it just set me up for success I guess.

A week after I started treatment, I found out I was pregnant. That in itself was one factor that kept me on track. It wasn’t just about me anymore. I had a baby to think about and he was growing inside of me at that moment. Knowing this, didn’t mean that it was magically easier at first. I struggled every damn day for I don’t know how long.

It’s a weird thing at first because you spend all of your time focusing on learning not to drink. It’s hard to forget about your love and dependence on it when your whole life suddenly revolves around it, or not doing it, I guess I should say. Getting piss tested every day and sitting in uncomfortable chairs for hours with a bunch of other addicts doesn’t exactly reduce your stress. And holding back the morning sickness while admitting to a bunch of strangers that I became a total fuck up wasn’t ideal either. Those first couple of weeks, when I walked out of treatment, all I wanted in the world was to head down to my favorite bar and have a beer.

Despite the constant focus on alcohol, the baby still was able to help keep me straight. Once I told my family I was pregnant, big changes happened for me. It wasn’t really going to work for me to stay in the living situation that I was in so I needed to move. It was decided that the best thing for me at that time would be to move in with my parents.

This became another huge contribution when it came to staying clean and sober. There was no way I could take a chance at slipping up and getting caught. Life was crazy and complicated enough. If my family found out I had slipped, I knew the damage that would be done would be a huge blow to my gut that I just wasn’t sure if I could get through.

In those early days of sobriety it was Dylan and my family that really helped me to keep it together. Just the thought of letting them down was what kept me clean. Barely at times, but it did. I also had this voice in my head that kept saying, “What is drinking going to do to make me feel better? Right now, nothing actually! It’ll just fuck things up.”

I still have times where I really struggle with sobriety. Moments where I’m not sure if I can make it and I break down and cry in frustration. That little voice is always in my head though, and that’s what seems to keep me on track when I’m about to fall off. Because I know deep down, that if I slip, I will be so disappointed in myself that I’m not sure I could handle it.

My life depends on my sobriety

I had something specific planned out for today’s blog post but as I sit down to write it, it’s just not what’s on my heart right now.  I’ve decided I’m going to change the direction of where I planned on going with this post. I had originally planned on talking a little bit about the autism mom side of me. But in reality, what’s weighing heavy on my heart is the sober mom part of me. I have had a parent in active addiction my whole life. This does not define me, but it has definitely helped to shape me, in good ways and in bad ways.

Now, I can’t say that I’ve had it the worst. I know a lot of people have had it a lot worse than I did, but I can honestly say that I’ve had some really messed up moments and wacked out experiences in my life. There’s no doubt in my mind that these experiences have caused forks in my road that have steered me in directions that may not have been favorable. I think it’s safe to say that going down these alternate forks in my road definitely helped lead me to my own active addiction. When you combine that with a genetic predisposition to addiction on one side of my family combined with mental illness being very dominant on the other side of my family… Well, I’ve had more than one therapist tell me that I never really had a chance. LOL! 

I saw that party life when I was young and to me, it was fun, and I wanted that when I got older. It was attractive to me. And once I got older and I started to dabble in drugs and alcohol, I knew right away that I was different. I was not like “normal” people. I could tell that my brain was wired differently. I was an addict, and I knew it at a young age. Instead of these thoughts turning me in a direction that would lead me away from an obviously bad path, I continued to follow it. I was so desperate to escape from so many things that I was going through, and from things I’d been through in the past…. I latched onto it very quickly. It felt right to me.

The summer before I went away to college was all freedom and fun but once I moved away, it was the start of my adult life, which was filled with things I felt the need to self-medicate from. The loneliness I felt in college, followed by the heartache I felt at the end of the year when I realized my dancing dreams would never come true. The toxic and abusive relationships that followed, one after another. It all pulled me into my own addiction and as time went by it took control over me. Over the years, I lost control little by little, until I hit my breaking point. (That’s a story for another day) Then I was just a crazy mess and out of control until I hit rock bottom. (That’s also a story for another day)  

I’m lucky to be alive. My rock bottom was serious, and I’ve had to do some serious work to dig myself out of that hole.  

It was hard.  

I struggled.

I still struggle sometimes…but I’m in a much better place now than where I used to be. As time goes on and I get a better hold of all of this, I have still been a child with a parent in active addiction. It’s a reality that can be hard, but I accept it for what it is.  This is my reality…and through it all, I’ve learned to hold on to sobriety like my life depends on it…because it does!