I had something specific planned out for today’s blog post but as I sit down to write it, it’s just not what’s on my heart right now.  I’ve decided I’m going to change the direction of where I planned on going with this post. I had originally planned on talking a little bit about the autism mom side of me. But in reality, what’s weighing heavy on my heart is the sober mom part of me. I have had a parent in active addiction my whole life. This does not define me, but it has definitely helped to shape me, in good ways and in bad ways.

Now, I can’t say that I’ve had it the worst. I know a lot of people have had it a lot worse than I did, but I can honestly say that I’ve had some really messed up moments and wacked out experiences in my life. There’s no doubt in my mind that these experiences have caused forks in my road that have steered me in directions that may not have been favorable. I think it’s safe to say that going down these alternate forks in my road definitely helped lead me to my own active addiction. When you combine that with a genetic predisposition to addiction on one side of my family combined with mental illness being very dominant on the other side of my family… Well, I’ve had more than one therapist tell me that I never really had a chance. LOL! 

I saw that party life when I was young and to me, it was fun, and I wanted that when I got older. It was attractive to me. And once I got older and I started to dabble in drugs and alcohol, I knew right away that I was different. I was not like “normal” people. I could tell that my brain was wired differently. I was an addict, and I knew it at a young age. Instead of these thoughts turning me in a direction that would lead me away from an obviously bad path, I continued to follow it. I was so desperate to escape from so many things that I was going through, and from things I’d been through in the past…. I latched onto it very quickly. It felt right to me.

The summer before I went away to college was all freedom and fun but once I moved away, it was the start of my adult life, which was filled with things I felt the need to self-medicate from. The loneliness I felt in college, followed by the heartache I felt at the end of the year when I realized my dancing dreams would never come true. The toxic and abusive relationships that followed, one after another. It all pulled me into my own addiction and as time went by it took control over me. Over the years, I lost control little by little, until I hit my breaking point. (That’s a story for another day) Then I was just a crazy mess and out of control until I hit rock bottom. (That’s also a story for another day)  

I’m lucky to be alive. My rock bottom was serious, and I’ve had to do some serious work to dig myself out of that hole.  

It was hard.  

I struggled.

I still struggle sometimes…but I’m in a much better place now than where I used to be. As time goes on and I get a better hold of all of this, I have still been a child with a parent in active addiction. It’s a reality that can be hard, but I accept it for what it is.  This is my reality…and through it all, I’ve learned to hold on to sobriety like my life depends on it…because it does!