It’s been over 7 years now since I quit drinking. I slipped once right away in the first week or two, but besides that, I’ve made it through all this time without relapsing. The statistics say that the chance of relapse is high. People often relapse more than once before they get sober for good. I was only in treatment for about 2 months. Didn’t go to meetings. Never got a sponsor or worked the 12 step program. To be honest, I have no clue what the steps even are!

But somehow, I’ve made it this far. People are often amazed by this and they often ask how I did it. My situation landed in a way where it just set me up for success I guess.

A week after I started treatment, I found out I was pregnant. That in itself was one factor that kept me on track. It wasn’t just about me anymore. I had a baby to think about and he was growing inside of me at that moment. Knowing this, didn’t mean that it was magically easier at first. I struggled every damn day for I don’t know how long.

It’s a weird thing at first because you spend all of your time focusing on learning not to drink. It’s hard to forget about your love and dependence on it when your whole life suddenly revolves around it, or not doing it, I guess I should say. Getting piss tested every day and sitting in uncomfortable chairs for hours with a bunch of other addicts doesn’t exactly reduce your stress. And holding back the morning sickness while admitting to a bunch of strangers that I became a total fuck up wasn’t ideal either. Those first couple of weeks, when I walked out of treatment, all I wanted in the world was to head down to my favorite bar and have a beer.

Despite the constant focus on alcohol, the baby still was able to help keep me straight. Once I told my family I was pregnant, big changes happened for me. It wasn’t really going to work for me to stay in the living situation that I was in so I needed to move. It was decided that the best thing for me at that time would be to move in with my parents.

This became another huge contribution when it came to staying clean and sober. There was no way I could take a chance at slipping up and getting caught. Life was crazy and complicated enough. If my family found out I had slipped, I knew the damage that would be done would be a huge blow to my gut that I just wasn’t sure if I could get through.

In those early days of sobriety it was Dylan and my family that really helped me to keep it together. Just the thought of letting them down was what kept me clean. Barely at times, but it did. I also had this voice in my head that kept saying, “What is drinking going to do to make me feel better? Right now, nothing actually! It’ll just fuck things up.”

I still have times where I really struggle with sobriety. Moments where I’m not sure if I can make it and I break down and cry in frustration. That little voice is always in my head though, and that’s what seems to keep me on track when I’m about to fall off. Because I know deep down, that if I slip, I will be so disappointed in myself that I’m not sure I could handle it.