My Dad passed away two months ago. It still doesn’t feel real. There’s not a day that goes by that I don’t think of him but the day he died still feels like a bad dream. I’ve tried to be really mindful of my grieving process and dealing with the loss in a healthy way…and through it all, there are two important realities of my life that I feel have been magnified during this process.

I am clean and sober and I’m finding it harder to stay that way. I’m also an autism mom, helping her special need son grieve the loss of his grandfather.

The urge to drink hasn’t been a strong one but it hits me quite often. It’s definitely been a lot more than I’ve experienced in recent years. I’m thankful for the fact that these cravings aren’t the super strong ones that cause me severe anxiety. It’s more of a nagging feeling that just follows you around just letting you know it’s constantly there!

I’m also thankful that the thoughts that I need to deter myself come pretty automatic at this point. But I still have days that for just a few seconds, I entertain the thought of just letting myself have a drink or two, one more time.

I know that this will eventually pass and I’m just trying to take it one day at a time. Trying to get through the grieving without a relapse. Trying not to let myself down.

Helping my son deal with his feelings has also been a challenge. Helping any kid through this process is challenging, let alone a child who has autism. It’s hard to get inside of his head to figure out to what extent that he’s affected.

I’m not sure what to do in some cases. Should I bring it up so he can relate his feelings or will it stress him out more if he can’t really articulate his feelings? He wants to know specifics about why grandpa died and he finds it hard to understand that it wasn’t just one thing. The fact that there were many contributing factors is a concept that is hard for him to grasp….and hard for me to explain.

I try my best to explain things the best that I can and in a way that he will be able to understand, but it can definitely be stressful for me. Feeling emotional about the topic and then having to find the right words to tell my son when sometimes, I’d much rather shut down inside.

I never would have thought that losing my dad would somehow magnify the autism part of my life, but it definitely does. I also never would have thought that I’d be doing as well as I am with the sobriety part of my life, but I definitely am. There’s no way to predict how a person will be affected by loss but I’m honestly proud of myself and how I’ve gone through it so far. I know there isn’t one right way to grieve but there are definitely bad ways to do it and I’m definitely not doing it bad!