I was watching a documentary today about the artist Jelly Roll. In one part, they show him going into a rehab facility to speak. The second he walks into the room, it was like an instant flashback for me.

The chairs at the edges of a blank room so everyone is sitting facing each other. The wide variety of faces. Male and female. Young and old. People that look like the stereotypical type that would be there and people you’d never in a million years expect to find there.

I suddenly remembered that feeling of nervousness and dread when I walked into rehab for the first time. (I did a few months of intense outpatient rehab almost 10 years ago and have been clean and sober ever since.)

I scoped out the room and the people in it and was stunned when a person working there handed me a cup that was obviously for a urine sample. I remember looking at the cup, then looking up at the lady running the group and just simply saying, “Really?”

I kind of chuckle now when I think of the look she had on her face when she let out a , “Yup” as about as matter of fact as you could possibly be. They pointed me to the bathroom and I took my first piss test out of who-the-hell-knows how many! (I must say, after peeing in that cup, five days a week for a few weeks, I got really good at it and was oddly proud of myself for my new found talent! LOL!)

That first time listening to all of the introductions was nerve wracking because I knew it would eventually be my turn. I don’t think I heard much of what people were saying that first day but I remember being aware of how easily it came out of most people’s mouths. You could tell they’d gone through this routine a million times. “My name is so and so. I’m recovering from XYZ and I’ve been clean/sober for X days”

When my turn came, I could feel myself blush instantly and I could hear my heart pounding in my head. I only had about 4 days clean and sober so when I stated that, I let out a little, sarcastic , “Woo Hoo”, and waved my hands in the air in a mock celebration.

We would all laugh about that moment in the future. It became kind of a running joke actually, but I felt so fucking stupid in that moment! It’s a feeling that I’ll never forget.

That first day may have been uncomfortable as hell but the camaraderie built quickly, and when I found out I was pregnant a week later, they were the first ones I told. They were actually the only ones who knew for several weeks.

I’ll never forget the looks on a few of their faces as I confessed what a mind fuck it was, knowing that I had come THIS close to ending my own life about 2 weeks prior, but now I’m going to be bringing a brand new life into the world. There was so much weight on my shoulders and in my soul and the looks of concern from these people are etched into my mind to this day.

Here I am, clean and sober, 9 1/2 years later, but some things just instantly take me back to those moments that I believe will always be etched in my mind and in my heart. They are a reminder of where I started and an inspirational glimpse of how far I’ve come. I don’t flash back to that day all that often anymore, but when I do, it reminds me to stay humble and it always makes me proud of myself for how much I’ve accomplished since then.